Thursday, 12 May 2011

Letters to my Consoles

Dear XBOX,

I know, I said some things. Horrible things. I swore I'd never love you again, that I'd never take you back, that you'd never have a place in my life for as long as I lived. I swore I'd never make the same mistakes again. I proclaimed that I had found someone new, exciting, and most of all - reliable. They weren't so high maintenance, always making me buy things for them. They had certain unique qualities (Little Big Planet, MLB The Show) that you just didn't have.

XBOX, I'm here to tell you I was wrong... sort of.

I'm glad you're back in my life. I'm glad that we got to spend last night together - and I think we might have a bright future. See - while I was off with that sleazebag, I forgot about all of your qualities. Remember that time that Geometry Wars 2 ruined my relationship because I wouldn't go to bed instead of staying up trying to get the high score on pacifism? Sure, she'll say we broke up because I cheated on her - but we all know it was the game. How about that time I got back from vacation and we played GTA IV for hours and hours... I never did live up to my commitment to you to get all 1000 achievement points with that game - we should try doing that again. Remember that moment when we hit 10,000 achievement points? Bobby Paycheque told me it'd never happen - I sure showed him.

Yes, we sure did have good times, but you've improved yourself since I've been gone. I can buy TONS of full length games in a flash! There's a bunch of avatar games where there were none before. There's so much I feel like I haven't done with this system yet that I look forward to doing now (like finishing my second play through of Mass Effect 2).

Yes, XBOX - I forgive you. We can be together again. Sure, I'm going to have to drop some coin on getting gold back, but you'll make it worth while - right? Right.

I Love You... you should know that you if you hurt me again I'll probably beat the living shit out of you though.




Dear PS3,

WHAT THE FUCK!? You lied to me. Over and over and over again you've lied to me! "It's just going to be a day or two" is it now? "By the end of the week you can play Black Ops again" REALLLLLY?

You're a lying bitch, you know that? When we started out you said "Hey, buy me - you won't have to pay to play with your friends" but now that we've been together for a while you say, "You can't play with your friends - don't blame me - you just can't. No idea when you can again. I'll make it up to you - just trust me - I will. I have no details as to how -- but I will". You're a lying bitch. How am I supposed to trust you? This whole time you've been giving me this sub par experience and I've been fine with it.

Let me get one thing in your head - I will come back to you, but I'll be using you. I'll have my fun with you then throw you to the side for my XBOX - because you haven't earned my love. When I have a choice between you or XBOX, you're not winning. Deal with it.

You've acted like a bitch, so now I'm going to treat you like the little bitch that you are.

Please don't kill yourself though. I've already gone through that with XBOX too many times.



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