Wednesday, 12 December 2012

So This Is Christmas

It comes as no surprise to anybody that Christmas is by far my least favorite time of year (the rant about why is at the bottom of this post). This year, I've decided instead of just being loathsome toward the entire season, I will try to capitalize on all the things I like about it. Below, is a short outline of the things I love about Christmas.

Social Gatherings (and therefore) A Built in Excuse To Get Out of Any Social Function

Yes, it is the season! People gather as everyone feels the need to come together for different Christmas gatherings. In fact, we moved the date of our Christmas/housewarming/new kittens party due to other gatherings that Ms.Wonderful thought might take precedence. I like my friends, so partying with them is right up my alley! I enjoy fabricated reasons for everyone to get together. If I was capable, every Saturday of the year would be a party at my place... I have swung this idea by Ms.Wonderful and she politely declined. This time of year brings people to that point though. Granted it's not always the same group that will gather, but good times abound. With that said, bad times are easily avoided! Oh you'd like me to come watch your daughter's Christmas play? Sorry, I have Ms.Wonderful's Christmas party that night! Oh you'd like me to come to a concert for the six homeless people on PEI? Sorry, I have an eggnog competition I've already agreed to judge. Speaking of eggnog...

The Drinking

This appears to be the one time of year that it's okay to get drunk on a Tuesday. Christmas is a time of excess drinking, eating, and consumerism. One of these things turns people into fat slobs, another turns them into psychotic Western world brats. The drinking? A few people have sex with folks they probably shouldn't have. No harm, no foul. "You're too drunk for a Christmas party" is something no one has ever said.

The Goodwill

Ok, so this one is weird. The goodwill is pretty much bullshit as I outline below in my rant BUT I'm willing to believe. Just like I believed in Santa till I was 19, I believe in the goodwill. Much like Santa, it's mostly fake but who cares. I actually have good will and am not just putting on a show for this shitshow of a Christmas season. So while everyone pretends to be jolly, I'll be joyous in my jolliness being less obscene.

Why I Hate Christmas

It's a time of complete hypocrisy as we yearn for peace on earth and goodwill towards men while simultaneously trying to box out the bitch who lives on Queen Street to get the last Tickle Me Elmo. In fact, the entire gift giving experience is an absolute joke. It's a time for people to provide others with things they would like them to have. Where people can enforce their beliefs and values on those who are close to them under the guise of the "Christmas Spirit". I would note that my jadedness in this regard likely has a direct relation to the year my mother asked me what I was into, I told her gaming, and she bought me the board game Risk. This along with a tablecloth when I did not own a kitchen/dining room table. No, she thought gaming was board games, and she thought people should have table cloths - and so I sat there like a fool trying to pretend to be grateful instead of horribly insulted. Which brings me to another shit part about Christmas. The pretending that something you've received which is total shit, is not total shit. "Oh, thanks - I've always wanted a menstrual cup. It's really - really it's great. Thanks!"

This doesn't even begin to mention the claims to be happy to see people you're really not particularly interested in. "It's always nice to see family" is the biggest crock of shit I've ever heard. Unless they live far away, we're able to spend time with family as much as we want. We choose not to usually. In fact, in my early 20's the best part about Christmas was everything after 9pm when those of us that were still capable of staying awake would meet to share the horrors of what just transpired. The shopping is really the crux of it all for me. The stress people put on themselves about trying to find that perfect gift for (whoever) - because it's a delicate line one must walk in trying to find something you can pass off as thinking they would like while still trying to make sure it's something you're willing to stand by.

Let's not even start on the gift explanations that are inevitable once someone has opened it.
"Oh - a sweater... awesome?..."
"Well I know how you like to wear t-shirts, and I was out and saw that they had sweaters on sale and I thought that was really close to a t-shirt and I know how you like sheep since I used to read ba ba black sheep to you when you were six, and it's made of wool so I'm just sure you'll love it!" Anyways - I hate presents, pretending, and preachers. Also - I hate that my birthday is a week later and is an apparent after thought the whole fucking thing.  /rant